There are so many skills that parents need to teach their children such as tying their shoes, brushing teeth, and properly answering the phone. Parents also need to be deliberate and intentional when they teach their child how to apologize.
Unfortunately, parents often demand apologies from their own child to the injured party because the parent is embarrassed. As a parent, it is easy to feel that our child’s actions are a reflection of our parenting. “One day it dawned on me how often kids were on automatic pilot with their apologies--even if they didn’t mean it,” says Trudy Ludwig, children’s advocate and best-selling author of Sorry.
At What Age?
Younger children learn to appropriately apologize when they see adults, especially their parents, model apologies. You can apologize to your child about the way you yelled at her to get in the car because you were running late. Maybe you can apologize to her for ignoring her constant questions or that you spent too long on the computer, and you did not have time to read her an extra story. When a child sees the parent apologize to her and to other people, she learns from your example.
You need to take your child’s age into consideration as you begin the process of teaching. “Young children, under the age of 8, are still figuring out social boundaries and rules and constantly making mistakes as they learn,” says Jennifer Jones, PhD, author of The Three Ps of Parenting (Power, Protection, Prediction).
What to Include
Ideally, discuss apologies before an actual incident. Brainstorm with your child about different scenarios of a problem and then list options of what to say. “For an apology to be meaningful and effective, children must be specific about their wrong doings (e.g. “I’m very sorry I drew on your picture and ruined it),” says Ludwig.
When you are teaching your child to apologize, have him name the specific action that he did or didn’t do, and offer a way to correct the offense. Talk to your child about looking in the face of the other party and expressing his remorse. Share with your child that when he takes responsibility for his actions, he is growing up. Talk about ways that he can offer to repair the problem such as paying for broken item or making restitution of some kind.
When you help your child think about how other others feel, it teaches her to not think about herself. It is important to talk about feelings of disappointment of the other person, sadness, or anger. It is also healthy to talk about the variety of thoughts and feelings that come with a problem. True apologies help the other party show that you care what the other person thinks and that you will try and make it better. “Making a sincere apology is hard work. It requires personal responsibility and remorse for the wrongdoing, along with a determined effort to make up for the hurt one has caused others,” says Ludwig.
Why is It Hard?
It is difficult to teach your child to apologize because apologies can be difficult to offer. Some people may see apologizing as a sign of weakness. Or someone may not want to apologize for fear of rejection by the injured party. “In reality, it actually takes courage and strength to honestly admit the error of our ways,” says Ludwig.
Keep it Private
If you are out in public with your children and an apology to another child is required, do not embarrass your child by correcting her in front of a group. “Avoid reprimanding her, and instead pull her over and whisper a suggestion for what to do or say,” suggests Jones.
Be a Role Model
As children get older, they still need to see their parents apologize properly to other adults and to them. You can ask your kids how they felt when you apologized to them for being late picking them up from soccer practice. Let them express their feelings even if it makes you feel uncomfortable. It can be helpful for both of you to discuss apologies.
“One of our jobs as parents is to help make sure our children don’t keep making those same mistakes over and over again,” says Ludwig. When children learn that there are natural consequences to their actions, they will become more thoughtful and responsible. When children learn and practice the necessary skill of apologizing to another person, they will become responsible young people.
Jan Udlock is a homeschooling mom of 5 and a freelance writer. She loves both jobs most of the time.
